What they wrote for John Kerry to say in Pasadena:
“Do you know where you end up if you don’t study, if you aren’t smart, if you’re intellectually lazy? You end up getting us stuck in a war in Iraq. Just ask President Bush.”
What he said:
"You know education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. And if you don't, you get stuck in Iraq."
What they wrote for John Kerry to say at the Shriners Convention:
"What is this, an audience or an oil painting?"
What he said:
"What's all this, this audience and its oral panting."
What they wrote for John Kerry to say at the Ted Kennedy roast:
"But, seriously, Teddy, you've built bridges to new ideas all your life....
What John Kerry said:
"But, seriously Teddy, all your life, there've been bridges, you see, and you have crossed most of them....with new ideas, I mean."
What they wrote for John Kerry to say on the Jay Leno show:
"Jay, you are the only guy with a longer face than me!"
What John Kerry said:
"How's your face, Jay? I mean, is it longer or not?"
What they wrote for John Kerry to say at the Union League comedy night:
"Take my wife, please!"
What John Kerry said:
"Please, Theresa's my wife. Take her!"
What they wrote for John Kerry to say at the Gridiron dinner:
Two guys are out walking their dogs and pass by a bar.
One says: Let's go inside and get a drink
The other says: But look at that sign, it says no dogs allowed.
The friend says: Watch this. He puts on sunglasses and walks into the bar with his dog.
A few minutes later, the friend decides to try it.
He puts on sunglasses and walks into the bar with his dog.
He sees his friend sitting drinking a beer, with his German shepherd at his side.
He goes up and asks for a beer himself.
Bartender says: Sorry, pal, no dogs.
The guy says: It's my seeing-eye dog.
Bartender says: But that's a chihuahua.
The guy slaps his forehead and says: You mean, they gave me a Chihuahua!
What John Kerry said:
"I have a joke that I hope you will find amusing. It's about two blind guys and they have a German shepherd, see, and the other has a Chihuahua.
At any rate, they are passing by a tavern. And they are wearing sunglasses, I think.
And one of them goes into the bar. Wait! Wait! I think the guys are not blind really. Yes, that's it. It's a ruse, you see. At any rate, they are thirsty and they want to drink a beer. Now, let me see, what happens next....