Do I Have Any Bids?

As Yoda would put it, stuck in the mud is Lynn Swann.

The Republican candidate for governor can't get a break.

One day he announces that he raised more than $1.5 million in 32 days -- and most of the media compare the size of his campaign fund (paltry) to that of Gov. Ed Rendell (humongous).

The next day out comes the latest Quinnipiac poll that shows Swann (gulp) 22 points behind Rendell. Worse yet, the same poll shows the Democratic incumbent with the support of 27% of Republicans. Geez.

Out of the rut must Swann pull his wagon. Here to help am I.

Here are 10 ways for the Republican gubernatorial candidate to raise money and build political support. I modestly call it the "Pathway to Victory."

1. Sell one of your SuperBowl rings on eBay to raise money for the campaign. It shows you are truly committed to your cause, it will probably net $100,000, and it will give you millions in free publicity. Good for 2 points.

2. Challenge Rendell to a football pass & catch competition, to be held at the Linc in Philly. Loser pays winner $1 million. Good for 2 points.

3. To appeal to the T, go to Lancaster to announce a new plan for property tax relief that can be done immediately and will not require legislative approval. Tout the Lynn Swann School Bake Sale Plan as "an entrepreneurial, free-enterprise, All-American way to fund public education." Get Pat Toomey to endorse the idea. Get him to wiggle his ears at the news conference. TV will eat it up. Good for 3 points.

4. Reach into the Post-Bug playbook to attract black voters. Go to Philadelphia, hold a news conference, and announce that you just learned you are the target of a federal investigation into corruption. Say: "It's just another example of the Bush administration targeting African-American politicians." If the U.S. Attorney denies there is an investigation, reply: "They'll do anything and say anything to deny me the governorship!" Good for 5 points.

5. Court the anti-pay grab crowd. Hold a news conference with Gene Stilp saying that if elected governor you will not accept any salary. In fact, you are going to voluntarily give the state treasury an annual payment of $25,000 "just for the privilege of letting me hold the job." Good for 2 points.

6. Dump that Matthews guy you've got running as your lieutenant governor and replace him with Ron Jaworski. Great balance: Steelers & Eagles; Quarterback & Receiver. Tell critics that Jaworski is perfect for the job because he won't favor any one area of the state. He lives in New Jersey. Good for 3 points.

7. Send out a flyer in suburban Philly criticizing Rendell's "secret plan" to have Bucks, Delaware, Chester and Montgomery counties annexed by Philadelphia after the election. Better make this anonymous. I can give you the names of political consultants who specialize in these pieces. Good for 9 points.

8. Announce a "Building Pennsylvania Back Up Again Plan!" to attract new industries and jobs to Pennsylvania, with the goal of creating 250,000 new jobs. Good for 1 point.

9. The next day announce building jobs to Pennsylvania can't wait, Depart for a 20-state, 10-week tour of America to personally lobby businessmen to relocate to our state. Depart to cheers of supporters. Appoint Tom Ridge as your campaign surrogate and have him campaign for you through Labor Day. Good for 6 points.

10. After Labor Day, announce via teleconference from California that you are making progress in your "Building Pennsylvania Back Up Again Plan!" but that you must extend it through Halloween. Have Tom Ridge continue campaigning. Good for 5 points.

Return on election eve for victory party.

Savor headlines that call you "Landslide Lynn."